He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
