this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
