Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
