if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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