Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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