At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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