He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
