not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
