I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
