Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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