Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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