Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
