If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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