Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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