you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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