Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
