Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
