Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
