too bad you live with your parents still
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
