Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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