Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
