I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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