I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
