If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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