I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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