dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
