my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
