You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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