dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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