R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have aggressive nipples.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
