Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We named our party play list daddy issues
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
