it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
