even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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