So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
