I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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