dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
