Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize