there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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