I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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