oh god the rape fog is back!
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
