I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
