Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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