I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
