atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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