Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize