I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so let's talk penis.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
