Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
