Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Randomize
