Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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