I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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