Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
