he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
