Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
