Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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