WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
