sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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