I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
