No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
