Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
