I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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