I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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