The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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