I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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