the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
