i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
They took my balls.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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